Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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