No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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