I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
