no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
