i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
