I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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