i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
