mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
