Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My ATM looks so different sober.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
