ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
