cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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