I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
