dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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