If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
