Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
