why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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