Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
