I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
