All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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