so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
