life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
