peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
