i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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