cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He shit in the fireplace
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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