Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
