Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
