I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
