i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I would ride that face into the sunset
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
