Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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