That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
