dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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