real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
