I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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