I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize