if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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