You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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