1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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