I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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