win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
