You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize