Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
