she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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