found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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