please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
