I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
