So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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