the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
