I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
