apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
