did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
