You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
