bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
