I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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