saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
