Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize