Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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