shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
